Saturday, April 19, 2008

2:15 a.m.

I started out the nite in our bed but when Chloe dog jumped off around 1 a.m. in need of a drink of water and a potty trip outside, I couldn't go back to sleep once I laid back down. No matter how I tossed and turned and tucked pillows around my belly, I couldn't find a comfortable position that didn't seem to pull on my incision areas. So...out to the living room I came, tossing the sofa pillows on to the floor and making a nest of blankets and bed pillows for me and Miss Chloe. My constant companion and shadow since coming home from the hospital. Sleep eluded me here, too. When Kaitlin brought the lap top out and set it on my desk in the dining room before going to bed, I got up and brought it over here to the couch. And here I lounge back, the lit screen the only light on in the house. Wide awake. Just the sound of far-off train whistles and their deep rumbles keeping me company...Mary, I think you know what I'm talking about.

So what does one write about at this time of nite/morning? I dunno. I laid here thinking about classic movies Dear Hubby and I have watched recently and enjoyed a lot. We saw "The Human Comedy" with Mickey Rooney today. We've worked our way thru most of the Bette Davis movies I'd recorded on the DVR. Some old Humphrey Bogart and Spencer Tracy. An absolutely beautiful movie called "Tender Were the Vines" with Edward G. Robinson and Margaret O'Brien. When people hear the name of Mr. Robinson, gangster movies usually come to mind first but I think he gave one of his best performances ever in this very touching, sweet movie. What I love about the old classics is the lack of sex and violence and profanity. They were full of excellent acting created by scriptwriters who had talent. Where sex was left to the imagination and people had dialogue that meant something and wasn't dependent on filthy language. Call me old-fashioned or a prude or what have you. I don't care. But give me something worth watching!

My sleep patterns have been a little crazy since I had my surgery. Some of it has to do with my medication, I know. And now I'm thinking some of it may be caused by the surgery itself. The reason I say that is when I got a follow-up call from the surgical department a couple of days after coming home, one of the questions the nurse who called asked me is, "Are you having trouble with sleeplessness?" At that time I wasn't, so I told her no. I'm not even sure if I am now, really, since this is my first full nite of innsomnia. It reminds me of the many months I was plagued with it back in my later 40s, when my estrogen levels were really topsy turvy and out of balance. Well, now I have no estrogen levels at all, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised or too alarmed that I'm sitting here at this hour writing on my blog. These past couple of years, taking care of a very active toddler grandson, I've had no trouble sleeping. When my head hit the pillow, I was out like a light. Plus he and I would go out and walk for miles with me pushing him in the stroller and, quite often, bags of groceries tucked in the basket below. I definitely got my exercise. Now, tho...all this enforced lying around...this is not me. The walls are beginning to close in around me. And to think I still have several more weeks of this. *Sigh* Oh well. At least I can grab a nap or nod off whenever the mood hits me during the day. The good Lord knows I've got plenty of time on my hands. I'm sure it'll get better when I'm done with my medication and I can get out and drive again.

I hardly ever delete anything I write on my blog but I got rid of three entries I wrote recently. When I came over here to Blogspot back in December, I came with the resolve to write about the here-and-now, not the past any more. My old blog was my 'purging' blog, where I wrote about my past and worked my way thru a lot of lifelong emotional baggage that had been dogging my steps all of my adult life. I came to the realization that I'd finally accomplished what I'd set out to do there, and it was time to start afresh and focus on who I am now, the woman who emerged on the other side. I was doing a pretty good job of it, too, until my surgery and a couple of phone calls out of the past. I don't want to slip back down into any of that mucky mire. I don't want to let the past put any claims on me any more. So...poof! A couple clicks of the mouse and they were gone. So for any of you who read them and then noticed they're no longer here, that's the story behind their disappearance. It's all old news. Not worth reading again.

I go in to see my doctor on Monday. I hope I'm healing up well. I think I am, but I don't really know what I'm supposed to be expecting with this less invasive surgery they have nowadays. A major operation and then going home 24 hours later! I remember when my mom-in-law had the same surgery right after Dear Hubby and I were married over 30 years ago and how wiped out she was from it, with the abdominal incision and all. I think she was in the hospital for a week, if my memory serves me right, and it took her a long time to recover. She was around 8 years younger then than I am now. I remember how wiped out I was after my abdominal c-section! And the pain and discomfort from that lasted a long time, too. I have one more biopsy report to find out the results of on Monday, too, and I'm thinking that came back ok. At least I hope so. I would think my doctor would've called me beforehand if it wasn't, but you never know. I must admit the first week or so after my surgery is a bit blurry but I'd emailed a friend about this, a cyst-like growth the doctor had found at the juncture of one of my fallopian tubes and my uterus, and asked the friend to pray about it. My doctor had told me in 25 years of doing this kind of surgery, she'd never come across anything like it. That makes a person feel good!! But she said it appeared to be very simple-cell in its makeup so she was quite confident it's nothing. Even so, she sent it to pathology to make sure. I think my friend said something in an email back to me about someone she knew having a similar growth and it ended up being made up of bits of bone and hair and teeth...that it was thought it could've been the remnants of a twin the woman would've had but it had died and been absorbed into the woman's body. Wow! I was supposed to have had a twin! There was a second placenta when I was born, but no baby. What a strange thought, if my growth ends up something like that, to think it might've been my fraternal brother or sister. That's incredible. Maybe that's why I've felt like a part of me is missing my entire life.

Oh well.

It's now almost 3:30 and my eyes are getting heavy so maybe I can sleep now. It's worth a try, anyway. I can hear Dear Hubby snoring in the bedroom so I think it'll be a while before he wakes up. Chloe is curled up and draped over my feet, keeping me warm and toasty. It's time to go dream.


Anonymous said...

Years ago I read that it is thought by some that when a person was meant to be a twin, or the babies were separated in adoption, etc. that it causes a sense of aloneness and of having lost something all throughout life. I have often wondered about that with myself and one child of mine. My mom nearly lost me throughout the pregnancy, and it is known that you can loose one child early on, and not even be aware of it...and still carry the other baby to term. There are some similarities with my daughter I also had problems carrying early on...we both have had a sense of being alone, different from others, etc. and I think moreso than most others seem to feel. It did help me to read about it...just knowing that others have also gone through this!! Sounds to me as if it is indeed possible that there was another one there with you to start off with, too!!

Trust and don't worry...the FATHER has brought you safe thus far...and HE can continue to do so!! Prayers for a speedy recovery and that all will be well!!

Liz said...

Hope all went well at the doctor's. Now you rest! And take care of yourself!

HORIZON said...

Thinking of you there Kris with the screen glowing in the dark :)
It certainly makes me wonder about the twin when you mention a second placenta.
Hugs Kris- now get back to bed! :)