Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Talking to myself and feeling old....

Sometimes, when I come here, that's how I feel. I know I have readers. I know I have a lot of readers, many who come back over and over again. And yet the comments are few. Really, I guess that doesn't matter. But I never have liked one-sided conversations and that's what it's like for me here a lot of the time. Have you ever had a friend -- well, maybe I should say an acquaintance -- someone who you think you might like to get to know better? So you call them up and invite them over or out to lunch? And then you end up being the main conversationalist? In the moments you pause, hoping they'll speak up and add something, they sit and gaze at you expectantly, waiting for you to say more. Like they're someone on a sinking ship, hoping you'll come rescue them. I've had a few like that. A couple of them I've been out with maybe half a dozen times, hoping the tide will turn and they'll loosen up a bit and talk. In all honesty, I am not a great chit-chatter. To carry on one-sided conversations is a huge strain for me. You'd never know it, what with the way I rattle on here but there's a huge difference, you see. I love to write. I hate to talk. I remember coming home from having lunch with someone who never talked much and telling Dear Hubby my tongue actually ached from wagging at both ends. Ugh. I don't 'do' lunches much any more. For one thing, I never have the time. For another, after speaking toddler-talk for 10 or 11 hours a day, by the time I actually have some time to myself I want quiet. I want peace. I want stillness.

I'm not complaining, really, about being alone here. I come here and I decompress. I can talk about anything I want to talk about. I can rant. And rave. And reflect. And think. I can empty out frustration and release stress. I can't really hurt anyone's feelings because no one is here. My body language doesn't come in to play. My facial expressions can't be read wrong. My blank stares out into space aren't going to offend anyone. If I stop in the middle of writing and wander off for a while, no one knows. I can sit here in my comfortable ratty old bathrobe and uncombed hair, sipping coffee and not have to worry about how I look to the outside world. No one sees me. I don't have to smile and be sociable. I can just talk and talk and talk to myself. As much as I want to. No one tells me to shut up or be quiet. Since I've always been content in my own company I enjoy my visits here. I am always welcome. And so are you. I treasure each and every one of you, whoever you are.


Judy said...

I never learned how to do 'chit-chat'.

I do believe that I am the most frequent visitor to my blog. Lately, it's the only way for me to remember what I've been doing.

Anonymous said...

It seems to me, at the age I am now, in looking back over my life and the friendships along the way...most of them were really of the variety like the old song: "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." When I lived in the same town, every thing was great...and when one or both of us move away (which happened often during the Navy years)...they just drifted off into the sunset. It was always their choice not to keep up...I always wrote back (with the exception of a couple of situations where their children were a menace to mine...and you have to let those go)...but they were already onto their "next spot". We do need people in our lives who have been there most of our years. I had one friend from the age of 14, but since I have moved across the continent (and close enough we could actually have seen each other yearly anyway), she no longer wishes to keep in contact. I am kind of slow to catch on sometimes...and nothing was said, but I did catch on thing, we had to attend a funeral up in Pennsylvania, not far from her home and she was "TOO BUSY" to even have lunch on our way through. I would have moved my schedule around any time to see her. But she remarried a few years perhaps it has to do with that situation. Life is just strange, that is all...and you must appreciate those people who have kept up with you, no matter how many moves, or other events in life. Over the 4th we reconnected with some friends we had not seen in a decade...they recently moved 4hours was as if we had only been parted a day!! WE all decided to keep better contact. (I find too it is rare to find another couple where all 4 of us are equally wanting to be friends). Actually, though my hubby and I have been married now almost 36 years, it has only been in the last 4 years back here on the east coast that we have had several couples that want to spend time with us has been fun to have the most active social life, as a couple, that we have ever had!! Sometimes hubby and I talk about becoming full time rv living people...cause there seems to be many of those who keep much contact with many others!!

As you know, I do enjoy reading what you have to say!!

Judy S said...

Oh Miss Kris, I read your blog day and night. There hasn't been a single time that I haven't come away with the feeling that I have read something thought provoking and that can cover a gamut of feelings from a to z. I cherish your blog Miss Kris. Thank you for giving this aging old girl something wonderful to look forward to every day.

The Guy Who Writes This said...

This is why I turned off the counter on my blog. I would write to the daily audience number and not for myself. If ten fewer people read something one day I'd blame myself for poor content the day before.

I came to realize that the more you write the more you are read. The more blogs you visit, the more will visit you. It takes time to pick up steam, if steam is your intent. I have thought about turning off my comments on my blog because I'd like to assume I am only writing for myself, like an electronic diary.

Lynda said...

I am glad I found you via SITS...I plan on stopping by more often...might even have something to say once in a while, too.

Mean Mom said...

I know that I could have more readers if I blogged more often and visited new blogs, but then I would feel guilty, because I wouldn't be able to keep up with them all. If you would like more people to comment, try visiting more blogs. They won't all visit you in return, but some will. Try looking at the link lists of blogs you enjoy, for example.

I tend to have the opposite problem with my friends. They talk so much that I can't get a word in! Everyone says that I'm quiet, but I'm too polite. I won't interrupt!

There are awards at my place, if you would like to come over.

Jaggy said...

I learn more from one-sided conversations than I do from big conversations sometimes.

Thank you for the many, many comments! I am trying to be better about leaving them on other blogs. Know that I read often, and I love hearing about your grandkids, Hubby, and your rants.

Blog on!