I have a tendency to analyze things. Sometimes I have a tendency to analyze too much, especially when it comes to thoughts and feelings that are spinning around in my head. But one thing about this tendency of mine, it helps me to sort things out, sometimes quickly. Sometimes eventually. And sometimes never.
2008 has been one of the most whirlwind years I've ever experienced in my 54 years on this earth. I can't remember another year where so many things have happened to me and I don't feel like I've had time to even scratch the surface when it comes to analyzing how it's all affected me. I'll catch myself pivoting in one direction, only to be spun in another direction. One minute I'm healthy, the next minute I'm not. I'm recuperating from one surgery only to be wheeled back into another operating room, another surgery. My father-in-law passed away in March and I don't feel that's registered with me yet, I've had so much other stuff on my mind.
I was out taking Chloe dog on her potty walk around 5 this morning and I got to thinking about some of the moods that sweep over me in waves. I'll feel like I'm drowning, they'll hit me so fast and so powerfully. I've come to recognize them for what they are...just mood swings. Nothing to be afraid of. The melancholy and anxiety that will slap me in the face like a glass of cold water will peak and then ebb away. All I have to do is wait it out. Nites of insomnia will come and go. They, too, pass. The physical changes in my body sometimes mystify me. I haven't had the time to research much of them or the after effects of a complete hysterectomy. My days are so long and fly by so fast one week blends into another. And then into another one. And I analyze myself in the process, whenever I have a moment to focus on myself. And I realize I'm in uncharted territory that I have to learn to navigate a day at a time. I find that if I do face it a day at a time, it's not so overwhelming. It's something I can stumble my way thru, picking up the pieces on the days I don't handle things too well, and feeling a sense of satisfaction on the days I come out on a positive note.
Emotions are funny things. I've found at this stage in life I really don't have a clue what 'normal' is any more. 'Normal', the way I used to know it, left by the back door a long time ago and forgot to tell me where it was going. I haven't found it since. My body is different, my mind is different, my moods and the way I think and look at everything is different. I am not the same person I was. I don't think I ever will be her again. Or maybe I'll be an altered version of her in a lot of ways. Ways I can't explain to the rest of the world. But it isn't the end of the world for me, not knowing myself as well as I used to. I find myself digging down a little deeper inside of myself, finding resources of strength there I never knew I had. I find myself relying on my instincts, not fearing the unknown territory I sometimes slog my way thru with no compass to show me the way. I have this deep-down faith in myself, in the basic person I've always been, and I'm confident I'll find my balance, my stability, a solid footing, one of these days. And I doubt I'll find who I once was. I think she's pretty much gone forever. But I'm hopeful that I'll find a version I'll like even better than that one. One that's been thru the fire and come out not burned but refined.