Saturday, February 21, 2009

Introspection: observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

I don't know where I'm headed with this as I sit down at my Grandma's desk this evening and let my fingers do the talking. I've had a week of next-to-no internet connection...hence, the lack of writing. And, to be honest, I've been so tired I haven't had anything to say. No loss on your part, for sure.

But I've made progress.

I have begun - instead of turning on the TV and watching all the gloom and doom and despair and negativity on the morning news - reading my Bible for a half hour while I drink my coffee and eat my bagel. There is something so peaceful, so soothing, about starting a day immersing myself in God's word. Since beginning my daycare odyssey with my grandsons almost 3 years ago, my Bible reading has tapered off dramatically. I never seem to be able to find time. Well, I needed to make time, just like I did when I worked at 'real' jobs outside the home, when I'd arrive an hour early and spend that hour reading and praying in my truck out in the parking lot. So what if this half hour curtails my emailing and blog visiting? Right now, my spiritual health is more important to me than anything. I was becoming seriously depleted. And the way this world seems to be headed, this was not a good state to be in. I have made the needed adjustments and I am already feeling more calm, more balanced, in my daily life.

I have begun doing Yoga again. In my "pre-Dear Hubby" days, in my far gone youth, I used to spend at least an hour every nite after work doing Yoga and dance exercise with my stereo playing quietly and candles burning. I worked swing shift at a local hospital and didn't get home until 1 am. The Yoga and dance were wonderful ways to relax and slough off the daily stresses of a hectic job. Speaking of hectic doesn't get much more hectic than it is now, taking care of two little ones. And I'm 35 years older than I was back then. My older muscles and joints need the stretching and loosening after lifting Cooper countless times during the day, especially now while he's pushing thru 3 teeth and has become my Siamese twin, permanently attached to my right hip as I tote him around until he quiets. This goes on sporadically 11 1/2 hours per day. It also calms me and helps me forget ear worms like, "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants!" that can go squirrely in my brain by the end of the day.

I am trying to focus my brain on my physical self thru the day, realzing when I'm getting tense and forcing myself to stop whatever I'm doing, close my eyes, and breathe deeply. Really deeply and really slowly. You'd be amazed at how quickly that soothes you, how quickly it causes your shoulders - mine are usually up to ear level about that time - to ease back down to where they belong.

I am eating a healthy diet of lots of salad and very little red meat. I am cutting back on my caffeine -- only one cup of coffee around dinner time instead of half of a pot.

I deactivated my Facebook account. I found it was taking away what little time I have from what I love best -- writing here. I need my blog. I desperately need my blog. I am realizing, the older I get, that I am a much more solitary person than I thought I was. I don't need to be in constant contact with those I love and care about. I never have. Just knowing they're there when I need to make contact truly is enough for me. I hardly ever talk on the phone. I think about and pray for everyone who touches my life all the time. I am here for whoever when they need me. I'm sure they know that. But I don't live in their pockets and they don't live in mine. There is nothing wrong with healthy space.

I spend a lot of time smelling the roses. But I had forgotten about taking time to prune the roses, to cultivate them and nourish them and encourage them to grow. I had forgotten about snipping off the dead blooms to allow new buds to come forth. I had forgotten how crucial it is to feed them. Depleted soil doesn't bring forth a healthy harvest. It causes seedlings to wither and die. And one thing I'm good at, one thing I love, is gardening. I know how important it is to fertilize the ground, to water it, to make it burst forth with new life. To thrive. I know how even a seriously 'sick' plant can be brought back to health if it's given tender care. And I am worth that tender care. I am worth bringing back to healthy levels in all aspects of my life. And it is up to me to bring it forth. I have deep roots. I'll survive.


Judy said...

What a good post, Kris.

I'm going to have to come back and read it again when my eyes will cooperate and FOCUS.

Four more months until grandchild number three.

I am excited, and ohhhh sooooo tired!

Blog Stalker said...

What a great post! We could all benefit from taking time to cultivate, prune and feed the roses!

Have a great day!

Suburbia said...

Lovely post

I have deactivated my facebook too. Members of my husbands family were too close for comfort there, and I have to admit, blogging is so much better isn't it?!

Donna said...

I like this entry. Some of your sentences could be describing me.

"I am a much more solitary person than I thought I was."

Ain't it the truth. And I seem to become more so as I grow older.

Melissa B. said...

Marvelous! Make sure you spend more time smelling those roses, though, than cutting them back!

jutka said...

Welcome back.