Friday, June 12, 2009

The wind is moving but I am standing still. A life of pages waiting to be filled. - Michael W. Smith

I was going to continue on with my previous blog entry but it ended up being so much of a book review - scroll down and read it if you like books - that I decided to just leave it at that and continue on to a 'fresh' page. I am plugged in, tuned in, geared up, jazzed up, and ready to rumble this evening. I haven't written anything substantial in I have one of my favorite Enigma CD's, "A Posteriori" , playing on my Discman so I won't bother anyone. Not that there's anyone to bother since Dear Hubby just left for church and our daughter hasn't arrived home from work yet. Even so, there's something about having excellent headphones on that block out all the exterior noise...the 'ear buzzes'...that help me focus. Focus on what?! I ask myself. Well, I don't rightly know. I feel like I've been away on vacation from my blog for such a long time I guess I'll start off with one of the old writing exercises we used to do in my high school Creative Writing of consciousness. Just go wherever our mind takes us and not even think about what our fingers are writing - or in my case, typing . So...I will let my fingers do the talking tonite...

I don't want to write about my beloved grandboys. I don't want to write about family. I don't want to write anything that pertains to anyone but me tonite. Or, at least, how I think or feel about...stuff. There's a lot of stuff going on out there in this ever-more-crazy world we live in, isn't there? Sometimes don't you just want to yell, "ENOUGH ALREADY! Stop this merry-go-round and LET ME OFF!!!" I feel that way right now. I am so sick unto death of the news, whether it's left-wing or right-wing or fair-and-balanced or so-biased-it's-enough-t0-make-you-want-to-gag. It's ENOUGH ALREADY!!!


I just had to get that off my chest.

You know, people are so afraid of getting old. Isn't that sad? Of course we know as we plug along in this race we're eventually going to reach the finish line. I hit the age of 55 at the end of December and I'm kind of getting off on this growing older thing. I now qualify for Senior Discounts at a lot of businesses. And restaurants. And motels. Young people...teenagers!...are especially nice to me. Polite, even. Holding doors open. Moving out of the way on narrow sidewalks when I'm trudging along pushing about 100 pounds worth of kids and groceries and double-stroller. I no longer worry about being 'fashionable'. I. Dress. Comfortably. I don't look freakish. I don't even look eccentric, tho my thoughts tend to lean that way. I just dress for myself. And as long as I get no complaints from family members about being seen with me in public, I leave it at that. But you know what I love especially about getting older? I speak up for myself. Everywhere. I don't allow anyone to shove me around, so to speak. I'm not rude or hurtful or cruel. But I feel I have as much right as the next person to mark my place in this world. I spent too many years of my youth keeping quiet and almost bursting at the seams while I did so, wanting to speak up and being too timid to do so. Feeling the way I looked at things was a little too off-kilter at times, that people might not understand where I was coming from. That's an area in my life where my blog has truly liberated me. Here I've always written just what and how I think and I've had so many people thru my years here tell me, "Why, I've always felt that way...or thought that way...myself!" It's taught me I'm not as alone in this world as I thought I was most of my life. Oh, and if we're lucky...if we're open-minded and willing to learn along the way...the wisdom that comes with age. Knowing to pick and choose what's important to us and sloughing off the rest like old socks. Knowing when something is worth worrying about and knowing when to let something go because it just isn't worth the bother of getting all worked up about. Enjoying our grandbabies even more than we enjoyed our kids, savoring each moment with them because we know their childhoods will be past even faster than our children's were. There's an old hymn called "Sweeter As the Years Go By" and in the many years I've been a Christian now, there have been countless older saints who've told me that Life really does get sweeter the older we get. I'm not that old yet, but I'm older and I've come to terms with the thought that the longer half of my life is behind me now. When I was a kid I used to be terrified by the thought of dying. Terrified. But the older I get, the amount of loved ones who've passed on before me growing more and more all the time...well, what's so scary about joining them? And those I leave behind will eventually catch up with me There. Life does have a way of moving on. Just into different realms.

Were you in Lincoln City on Mother's Day weekend? Did you see a silver-haired lady in jeans and a white fleece jacket dancing back and forth with a blonde-haired little boy, both of them squealing and shrieking with laughter as they dodged the frothy edges of the incoming surf? Did you see how, in their world, only the two of them existed? I'm glad you didn't intrude.

There are so many might've been's. So many could've been's. So many things we did that we regret. So many things we didn't do that we regret even more. There are years of plenty. Years of drought. Years of ease. And years of hardship. There are moments we catch ourselves wondering, "Is this all there is?" And there are moments when we can't contain all that there is. So much hindsight. So little foresight.

I said I wasn't going to write about family. But I had no idea where this was headed when I started out. And my family is a very large part of my life. In 10 days my Dear Hubby and I will be celebrating 35 years together. Do you have any idea how much life is lived together when you've been with another person for this amount of time? A lot. And yet I can say that even tho I know him better than anyone else on earth does...and he me...that we never ever get to truly know a person completely. There is always that deep little core of our essential being we keep solely to ourselves. Some things aren't meant to be shared. And these young starry-eyed idealists who marry and want to know everything, who want to be together constantly, need to realize we still need to individually nurture that one small piece we keep separate. At least we do and we've always been wise enough to know that about each other and give eachother the freedom to do it. I keyed a phrase many years ago in our marriage that I believe is the reason for our success...we are independently dependent upon each other. And as we age together, when I really look at him, as long as I'm alive here on earth with him there will always be someone who remembers that wild, long-haired young man who stood so nervously on my doorstep that cold January nite when we met for the first time.

I apologize for the lengthiness of this one. Do you know most blog readers rarely stay more than a minute on any blog they visit? Most will probably not get this far on mine tonite.

Oh well.

This wasn't written for them.

It was written for me.


Liz said...

Hope you're fully recovered from the flu now.

Donna said...

This was an enlightening entry. I did read it all, although I speed-read it, as I do most blog entries; so I probably missed something.

I've not been visiting as much as usual, what with my son and granddaughter here last week and the cherries keeping me occupied this week.

But I'll be back. I haven't forgotten you.