Friday, November 6, 2009
guilt: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
Ah, my old friend!
We go back a long way.
When in life do we become encumbered by feelings of guilt? I don't remember it in the carefree days of my very early youth. But I do remember the first time I was accused of something I'd done and I felt guilty because I knew I deserved the tongue-lashing I received for it. I was maybe 6 or 8...somewhere around those ages...and I stole a piece of bubble gum from a 5-&-Dime store in the small town I grew up in. The owner...who happened to be our next door neighbor...saw me do it and told me if he ever caught me doing it again he'd tell my Dad! Well, that put the fear of all fears in me. Not that I was afraid of my Dad...he was a pretty easy-going guy for the most part...but I was afraid of losing my 'good girl' persona. Being good -- back then-- was very important to me.
I used to read a blog on a daily basis. In fact, it was one of the first ones I'd click on every morning. I enjoyed the writer's sense of humor, their insights into the world around them, their very good writing skills. And this person also came to mine. A comment was left. I wasn't offended. I've been chided for my religious beliefs enough in life that I've become very thick-skinned where that's concerned...we're all entitled to our opinions and I figured this person was entitled to theirs as well. It was around this time I became tired of this writer's use of the "F" word, tho. Here and there I can handle it, I guess, tho I absolutely abhor it and I don't understand why so many bloggers or writers worth their salt need to even use it. But I decided to quit visiting. And this writer also quit coming to mine around the same time, too. Because I had commented back that I also felt sorry for them for their feeling sorry for me. I can't imagine a life without God in it. But oh well...it's all water under the bridge and I don't imagine either one of us feels much of a loss. We were alike in a lot of ways, but fundamentally our worlds were worlds apart.
But every now and then I do get to wondering. I wonder if I offended them. Because I just kind of disappeared from their radar screen. Blip blip blip...bloop......blooop.....bloooooooooop. I hope they don't think it was because I was offended. If they'd get rid of the "F" word I'd probably be back there in a minute. Because...in a lot of ways...I miss going there. I hope they don't think, "There she is...another one of those kind of Christians! Close-minded hypocrite!" because, truly, I'm not. Just ask the thousands of kids I loved and nurtured while I worked for the schools. Who loved me in return, no matter how wild and unruly they were. Ask my neighbors. Ask my family. I just. don't. like. the. "F". word. Period.
And so...if this writer/former reader ever stumbles across this and would like me to become a fan again, it was the "F" word!!!! That's all!