I know I'm my own worst enemy. I always have been. I never know when it's time to stop and, on those rare occasions when I do know, I push on anyway. It drives my Dear Hubby insane. In years past, tho, I've always had endless reserves of energy I can tap in to. Tons of stamina. But in the past few years a lot of that has left me. Permanently, it seems. I know it's signs of aging and I don't have a problem with that, with aging. What I do have a problem with is giving in to it and admitting I'm not that 'strong as a horse' Swede I've been my entire life. A woman who now struggles to open new pickle jars not so much because of lack of strength in my hands, but arthritis that has crept quietly into my finger joints and lets me know it hurts to try and do something they no longer want to do. Or are capable of doing.
Dear Hubby took the initiative of calling our son the other day and telling him I need a break. One that comes before their scheduled vacation the first week of September. At first I was insulted. Then I was grateful. Is it pride? Is it just plain stupidity? What is it in me that senses I'm getting worn down, worn out, and yet I don't take it upon myself to say, "Hey, somebody. Help!! I'm exhausted!" More than anything I think it's more a matter of being so confounded busy all the time I don't have the time to stop and assess where I'm at physically and emotionally. Let's face it...I don't have time to think 99% of the time. I get up and I get started on my day and I go and go and go for 11 + hours straight. When Dear Hubby told me what he'd done he also told me he knows me better than I know myself at times and he can see that I need some more days to myself, to get some rest. He wanted me to have a week. But I don't think that's workable because of the kids' work schedules and because they have to sign up and have vacation approved way ahead of time as well. So after talking to my son yesterday morning when he dropped the boys off, what we came up with is some extra 3-day weekends. Starting with this one, and then next week will be the 4th of July so there is another one. That will help.
I know it won't kill the grandboys to have someone else watch them now and then. In all actuality, it will probably be good for them to have more exposure to other people. Our little daily world is quite insular, outside of contact with neighbors or people we see when we're out on our walks. Being a stay-at-home grandma is a very isolated life. When I was a young mother I had several friends who were stay-at-home moms as well and we'd get together often for visiting and letting our kids have time to play together. That networking isn't available for someone my age. And when I do venture out, like to play time at local recreation centers, I'm the only woman there who's past the age of 30 or so. The younger mothers look at me like they don't know what to do with me. I don't know what to do with them, either. So, again, I'm pretty much isolated. It can be a lonely existence at times. Well...maybe 'lonely' isn't the word I'm looking for because I don't require much 'people' time as it is, but I do get concerned for the boys' sake. When we first moved in to our house almost 28 years ago our neighborhood swarmed with kids and our house was the gathering point for all of them. But neighborhoods transition, and ours is in the older folks/young professionals phase. We're either too old to have kids, or the younger ones have dogs instead. Don't any young people have babies anymore?!
Oh well. I'm going to the library later on to gather up some books to enjoy. Dear Hubby and I have a couple of excellent DVDs to watch this weekend. It'll be nice and relaxing. And I am thankful for it. I really am. It's nice to know that even when I'm too frazzled to look out for myself, I have loved ones around me who do.