Have you ever had situations in Life where you feel like you're standing at the end of a diving board staring down into some black, murky water and wonder, "Should I jump?" or "Maybe I'll just go back and forget about this." That's what's so hard about the 'murky moments' in life, isn't it? Do you jump...do you retreat...do you just stand there and ponder it for a while in the valley of indecision? I am at that point. I have had a prayer that's gone unanswered for a long time. I have been a Christian for 38 years this month. I've prayed thousands of prayers thru those years. I've had some answered instantaneously, some within hours or days or even weeks. But I don't think I've ever had this experience before, where I've prayed and prayed and prayed and absolutely nothing is resolved. For months. It is causing undue stress, to the point where my hair was falling out in handfuls for about a week's time. To the point where I had a mini emotional breakdown one evening when I was home alone. And yet I keep praying and it feels like there is a wall of brass between me and God. Am I praying incorrectly? Am I praying for a solution to the problem in a way that isn't pleasing to the Lord? This has been a lesson in patience, in suffering, because it affects me in the most vulnerable way and I want an answer right now. God is definitely showing me He answers prayer on His timetable, not mine. My humanness wants to jump right in there and take control, to fix the problem the way I want it done. It makes me want to wave a flag in front of God's face and say, "Now, listen here! I've waited long enough and I need some relief now, not when You decide it's time!" Oh my...that's getting onto dangerous ground, isn't it? Me trying to tell the Creator of the universe who spoke the world into existence how to act? So I guess it's time to step humbly back and say "Ok, Lord. I know all things are beautiful in Your time. I know that You're taking the heavy end of the load and all I need to do is let You have it. I know I can do all things through You because You strengthen me." But sometimes my weakness gets the best of me. Sometimes I just want to tell the old enemy of my soul, "Ok, you win this one." I am just so tired, so worn down, and so distraught at times, which isn't me at all. I'm the strong one, the caregiver and the nurturer. The one who tries to carry the heavy end of everyone's burden. And what's especially hard is it's for me to bear alone.
I have an aching heart that needs the Balm of Gilead. I need the Lord to hold me tight and give me rest for my weary soul. I just need....peace.