Saturday, December 13, 2008

In My Room -- June 5, 2005

There’s a world where I can go and tell my secrets to
In my room, in my room
In this world I lock out all my worries and my fears
In my room, in my room

Do my dreaming and my scheming
Lie awake and pray
Do my crying and my sighing
Laugh at yesterday

Now it’s dark and I’m alone
But I won’t be afraid
In my room, in my room

Is there any Baby Boomer in the world who doesn't recognize these words to "In My Room" by the Beach Boys? This song tears at my heart because I believe it was written by Brian Wilson when the emotional abuse he suffered as a teen caused him to seek peace and solace in his room. What a talented, tortured man. So sad to know that often some of the most beautiful lyrics, poetry, books, and art have emerged from the minds of people who've undergone great physical and emotional abuse.

I had MY room. I went there to escape my demons of an emotional sort. I'd go there and write for hours and hours and listen to music. I would never have survived without music. Did God create it for the comfort it can give, do you think? There are so many songs I can hear that will transport me back to a memory. We have a CD of Neil Diamond's many songs and every time I hear "Play Me" I dissolve in tears, it evokes such bittersweet memories of a carefree time. "I Saw Her Standing There" by The Beatles makes me think of myself at the age of 10, sitting on a chair looking out my bedroom window...why THAT particular moment is etched in my mind, listening to that song, is beyond me. Carole King's "Tapestry" album was wonderful but every time I hear songs from it, it freezes my soul...takes me back to a place and time in my life I'd rather never go to, thank you very much, the years I spent involved in satanism and the occult.

My parents never minded the music we played as teens, my brothers and I, but my parents resented my room. That closed door seemed to trigger something off in them. I don't know how many times the door would burst open and one of them would holler "Come out of your hole and join the world!!" It challenged them in some way. It was my way of saying "Give me some PEACE! Give me some PRIVACY!" Maybe it was because THEY had no peace, no room to disappear in, they resented the fact I did. Things were pretty twisted at home in more ways than one.

I vowed to myself that when and if I ever had children I would give them all the privacy they needed and craved. If they shut themselves away for hours on end, fine. Privacy is as much a gift to a child as our love is. No doors burst open that I can ever remember...I can't recall ever entering their rooms without knocking first and asking if I could come in. THEY may never have known it, but I was giving them something so precious, a space of their own that was truly theirs.

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