Oh my...this one is going to be a book by the time I'm done....

What a strange day. Just...strange. For one, I could not sleep last nite, due to the heavy, heavy burden on my heart I blogged about and then deleted. I finally gave up and got up at 2:30 and turned the coffee on. Dear Hubby joined me for one of our 'slumber parties' but I was not in the mental mood for one so he gave up and went down to his den to read his Bible while I sat on the couch and cried in the dark for a while. Isn't it amazing what a stress-reliever tears are at times? I have a tendency to bottle up tears forever and then, when I have a day I can't contain them any more, I leak them all day long. This was one of those days.

I don't want to go in to what affected me and has had me so upset recently. I am not in the emotional state lately where I can handle comments from people who don't understand and who really don't know me as it is. I don't know if a lot of this roller coaster up and down ride I'm on is a byproduct of entering in to menopause instantly when I had my total hysterectomy last April or what's got me going lately but I'm in a real battle to find some kind of balance in my Life right now. I've touched the surface of it in my blog lately, writing about finding time to read my Bible and to do Yoga to soothe my spirit, but a lot of what's going on is no one's business but my own. I am not writing what I've been writing to even "get" people to comment on here. I never have blogged for that reason. I'm writing what I'm writing to help me sort myself out. I just have to have somewhere to come where no one is in judgment of me and I can 'say' what I want to say, what I need to say, without a thousand interruptions.

I will say a workable solution...tho still a heartbreaking one for all involved...has opened up that will help ease this situation that has been getting worse and worse as time goes on. If you want the whole story, email me and I'll tell you. Not to worry...it doesn't have anything to do with family or marriage or anything like that but it's still one that's affecting me deeply on an emotional level. Some people would think it silly. Some people would think it cruel. All I can say is come live a day in my shoes and maybe you'd understand it a little better. I can only do what I can do, I'm finding out. I am not Super Woman. I am not Wonder Woman. I'm just a tired old menopausal nut case blundering along the best she can.

That said, I will move on to other things.

As I was driving home from doing my grocery shopping this morning I noticed the parking lot of a Sav A Lot and Dollar Tree stores was packed to the max with lines of people winding all along the sidewalk. I thought, with the economy, maybe the stores were hiring and these people were applying for work. When Dear Hubby came home from a morning spent with our son I mentioned what I'd seen and he said, "You said a Sav a Lot store?" "Yes,", I told him. "Those weren't people looking for work," he told me. "Sav A Lot stores were giving out free food to the hungry today." Mercy. That set me back a bit. The hungry? And the line was that long?! What is happening in America?! I am not political but I am patriotic. And I don't like what's happening in this beloved country of mine. And that's all I'm going to say.

To get my mind off things, Dear Hubby asked if I'd like to ride along with him to the archery range he belongs to and I said sure. I have some books to read and I thought a change of scenery and "getting out of Dodge," like Dear Hubby calls it when he needs to get out of town for a day or two of R & R, would relax me. It's so peaceful there. The ride along the Columbia was beautiful as it always is, no matter what the season or weather. We spotted deer feeding along the road, swans hunkered down in a sheltered cove out of the east wind along Sauvie Island. Dear Hubby parked the truck back in among some trees and I settled down to read but I was sooooooooooo tired. I stretched out as comfortably as I could and I slept for two hours. Two hours! I never sleep like that. I was so deeply asleep that when Dear Hubby came back from walking the course of the range and exchanged some arrows in the back of the truck's canopy I didn't even stir. I didn't even hear him. And when I awoke, when a woman who lives in the house nearby was shaking some food out of a box for the donkey and horse who pasture across from the range, I thought I'd dozed off for just a few minutes. When Dear Hubby arrived a few minutes later after waking thru the course again and he told me I'd slept for two hours...why, I was speechless! It felt wonderful.

Like my dear bloggy friend Judy I love thrift stores and I'm thrilled when I come across what I consider a great bargain. I've been in need of a new comforter set for our bed since our Chloe dog has slept on top of ours for a long time now and she's infamous for 'scratching' her way to China to find her sleeping spot for the nite. Today I stumbled across one of very good quality in very good shape with colors that will go nicely with the paint in the bedroom. I paid a grand total of $6.99. And when I went in search of a dust ruffle that would hopefully match it, what do I stumble across but the dust ruffle to that particular comforter! For $4.99! I couldn't find the pillow shams but I found some nice ones in a solid color that matches one of the colors in the comforter perfectly. $2.99 each for those. So...for something I would've paid oodles of money for in a retail store, I bought for a grand total of $17.96. And if I hadn't told you about it, no one would've been the wiser. HA!

Well, maybe this isn't going to be quite book-length after all. It's almost 9:30 and I'm heading for bed. But one more thing I need to say before I call it a nite is how good God is. This early morning, when I was bottomed out and feeling so lost, I wrote emails first to Pat and to my very dear 'real life' friend Karen. I'd also written to my best friend Lizzee about my heartache, too. Well, Lizzee's got a lot on her plate right now and I haven't heard from her yet but both Pat and Karen responded and their emails were so kind and concerned I can't begin to tell you how much both of them eased my heart. It's amazing how, whenever I'm at my lowest points in Life, the Lord sends certain people my way and gives them the exact words I need to hear. I find that amazing, that He cares enough to hear my prayers and answer me.

Enough said.

I think I've learned once again

to keep my personal life

personal.

There's too much going on

behind the scenes

for those who come by and read

the tidbits

I put on here

to understand

why I make the decisions

I have to make.

If my deleted post caused anyone

grief,

I apologize.

Sometimes I wonder why

I even

write.

Twittering

I dreamt last nite I got a big package in the mail,

only to find when I opened it a book called:

"How to Twitter"

I mean, really.

Sigh.

As if I need another time waster.

Written by MissKris on February 25th, 2009

Sometimes
as I gaze out
I can't see beyond
what is inside
my head.

I get so overwhelmed

with the busyness

of my life

I forget what peaceful moments

of mindless inertia,

of inner bliss

feels like.

I get caught up in the spokes

of wire wheels

whirring,

of too many distractions.

I am fearful

of what

I don't know

but I can feel myself

disappearing

in the cracks

of the

mirror.

There is nothing I love more than to go out at 5 am with Miss Chloe dog and hear the robins awakening to greet the day.

Spring can not be far off.

Time...maybe finally...is beginning to be on my side....

If I'd known my computer glitch would end up being so simple to fix I'd have done it a month ago. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh. But the only time I could contact my internet server was during the work week during work hours. Try carrying on a technical conversation with someone while a teething 10-month-old and an almost-3-year-old who doesn't like Grandma getting on the phone at any time are clamoring for attention at your feet. The word "impossible" comes to mind. Today is my daughter's day off so she decided to give them a call and see if she could find out what the problem has been. It ended up being an unneeded filter on the phone line that was causing a connection 'error'. All we had to do was unhook the filter and connect directly to the phone jack. Duh! Since then, our internet service has been breezing along uninterrupted and almost at the speed of light! Not only had it caused our connection time to be sporadic at best, it had slowed my system down to dial-up speed. Since I'm paying something like $40 per month for high-speed service, that was beyond ridiculous. Early this morning I'd tried to download some photos my friend Karen had sent to me of her brand-new granddaughter but as I started the process, it showed it'd take almost 4 minutes to do one. Not enough time for me, not at that hour. When I came on this evening and tried downloading them again, it took 18 seconds. So. I am BACK!!!!!! This is one HUGE stressor out of my life!

I am enjoying my Bible reading and Yoga in the morning so much I've also decided to change my wake up time to 3:30 am. I know...for most people that sounds crazy...but I've been getting up anywhere from 3:30 to 4:30 for the past 30 years, depending on Dear Hubby's work schedule. We're just a couple of real early birds. And getting up early all these years has given me a great love for spectacular sunrises and very peaceful hours. I'd been getting up at 4 when I was taking care of Dylan by himself because my daughter-in-law would bring him over between 6 and 6:3o so I'd have a couple of hours to eat and do my early morning chores. Since I began taking care of Cooper, tho, she and my son have been working so many hours the usual time of arrival now is right around 5:30. I've been finding myself rushed and distracted and tense -- I don't like starting my day that way. So I told Dear Hubby I'm going to start getting up half an hour earlier. Now that my computer's working again, I might even get online!!! Woooooo hooooo!

They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks but that's not true. I've always been a person with a strong mindset and when I decide to do something, I do it. These almost insignificant changes in the whole scope of my life don't amount to much, really, but I'm already reaping the benefits from them. I've never found any satisfaction in being too stubborn and bullheaded to get out of a rut and find a new path. Change is not necessarily a bad thing. Especially since having such a health-challenged year like last year. I am learning...slowly...to listen to my body and let it guide me to make healthier choices, physically and emotionally.

I spotted this Meme at Suburbia's this evening and it kind of fits in with the way my brain is traveling right now so I thought I'd do it:

I Am: willing to admit I'm wrong.
I Want: to live to see my grandsons grow to adulthood.
I Have: more than I deserve.
I Wish: I had the answers for all of Dylan's questions.
I Fear: becoming stagnant.
I Hear: more than I let on that I do.
I Search: my heart often.
I Wonder: about so many things my mind is constantly in motion.
I Regret: the times I've unintentionally hurt someone.
I Love: unconditionally and completely.
I Always: put others before me, not always to my benefit.
I Usually: try to do things myself before I ask for help.
I Am Not: an easy person to get to know.
I Dance: a lot when I'm by myself.
I Sing: in my heart when I'm happy.
I Never: go to bed angry.
I Rarely: cry.
I Cry: when something truly touches me.
I Am Not Always: as strong as everyone thinks I am.
I Need: the Lord to direct my path every day.
I Should: tell those I love that I do love them more often than I do.

Here's something to think about...

There are currently around 70 million blogs on the internet. About 120,000 new blogs are being created worldwide each day. That's about 1.4 blogs created every second of every day.

I've spotted that at Suburbia's blog many times and every time I see it, it boggles my mind. It certainly makes me wonder how any one finds their way to here.

Introspection: observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

I don't know where I'm headed with this as I sit down at my Grandma's desk this evening and let my fingers do the talking. I've had a week of next-to-no internet connection...hence, the lack of writing. And, to be honest, I've been so tired I haven't had anything to say. No loss on your part, for sure.

But I've made progress.

I have begun - instead of turning on the TV and watching all the gloom and doom and despair and negativity on the morning news - reading my Bible for a half hour while I drink my coffee and eat my bagel. There is something so peaceful, so soothing, about starting a day immersing myself in God's word. Since beginning my daycare odyssey with my grandsons almost 3 years ago, my Bible reading has tapered off dramatically. I never seem to be able to find time. Well, I needed to make time, just like I did when I worked at 'real' jobs outside the home, when I'd arrive an hour early and spend that hour reading and praying in my truck out in the parking lot. So what if this half hour curtails my emailing and blog visiting? Right now, my spiritual health is more important to me than anything. I was becoming seriously depleted. And the way this world seems to be headed, this was not a good state to be in. I have made the needed adjustments and I am already feeling more calm, more balanced, in my daily life.

I have begun doing Yoga again. In my "pre-Dear Hubby" days, in my far gone youth, I used to spend at least an hour every nite after work doing Yoga and dance exercise with my stereo playing quietly and candles burning. I worked swing shift at a local hospital and didn't get home until 1 am. The Yoga and dance were wonderful ways to relax and slough off the daily stresses of a hectic job. Speaking of hectic jobs...it doesn't get much more hectic than it is now, taking care of two little ones. And I'm 35 years older than I was back then. My older muscles and joints need the stretching and loosening after lifting Cooper countless times during the day, especially now while he's pushing thru 3 teeth and has become my Siamese twin, permanently attached to my right hip as I tote him around until he quiets. This goes on sporadically 11 1/2 hours per day. It also calms me and helps me forget ear worms like, "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants!" that can go squirrely in my brain by the end of the day.

I am trying to focus my brain on my physical self thru the day, realzing when I'm getting tense and forcing myself to stop whatever I'm doing, close my eyes, and breathe deeply. Really deeply and really slowly. You'd be amazed at how quickly that soothes you, how quickly it causes your shoulders - mine are usually up to ear level about that time - to ease back down to where they belong.

I am eating a healthy diet of lots of salad and very little red meat. I am cutting back on my caffeine -- only one cup of coffee around dinner time instead of half of a pot.

I deactivated my Facebook account. I found it was taking away what little time I have from what I love best -- writing here. I need my blog. I desperately need my blog. I am realizing, the older I get, that I am a much more solitary person than I thought I was. I don't need to be in constant contact with those I love and care about. I never have. Just knowing they're there when I need to make contact truly is enough for me. I hardly ever talk on the phone. I think about and pray for everyone who touches my life all the time. I am here for whoever when they need me. I'm sure they know that. But I don't live in their pockets and they don't live in mine. There is nothing wrong with healthy space.

I spend a lot of time smelling the roses. But I had forgotten about taking time to prune the roses, to cultivate them and nourish them and encourage them to grow. I had forgotten about snipping off the dead blooms to allow new buds to come forth. I had forgotten how crucial it is to feed them. Depleted soil doesn't bring forth a healthy harvest. It causes seedlings to wither and die. And one thing I'm good at, one thing I love, is gardening. I know how important it is to fertilize the ground, to water it, to make it burst forth with new life. To thrive. I know how even a seriously 'sick' plant can be brought back to health if it's given tender care. And I am worth that tender care. I am worth bringing back to healthy levels in all aspects of my life. And it is up to me to bring it forth. I have deep roots. I'll survive.

In Heaven's Eyes

A fervent prayer rose up to heaven, a fragile soul is losing ground

Sorting through this earthly babble, heaven heard the sound

This was a life with no distinction, no successes, only tries

Yet gazing down on this unlovely one, there was love in heaven’s eyes

In heaven’s eyes, there are no losers,

In heaven’s eyes no hopeless cause

Only people like you with feelings like me

Amazed by the grace we can find

In heaven’s eyes

A restless child, a wayward father, a lonely traveler in the rain

When life goes on and no one bothers, heaven feels the pain

Looking down, He sees each heart ache, knows each sorrow, hears each cry
And looking up, we see compassion’s fire ablaze in heaven’s eyes

In heaven’s eyes, there are no losers,

In heaven’s eyes no hopeless cause

Only people like you with feelings like me

And we’re amazed by the grace we can find

In heaven’s eyes!

~~ Sandi Patti ~~

I heard this in church this morning and it really resonated in my heart. After almost losing our brother-in-law on Friday -- it took 7 'jump starts' to get his heart to beat again -- I've been doing a lot of thinking about Eternity, especially since he said, "You know how you hear about people saying there's a bright light ahead of you when you're dying? Well, it's true. I saw it." And he's a man who's never had much, if any, spiritual guidance in his 48 years on earth. As I sat in my pew listening to these words, I began to think how it wouldn't hurt me to reprioritize my life...to jump off this wild merry-go-round I've been on these past few years and just slow down. Sure, I smell the roses a lot with my little grandsons, but I neglect my own needs so much. So little time, so much to do. I'm always putting myself on the back burner. That's not necessarily a healthy thing to do, spiritually or physically or mentally. So I'm beginning to sort thru the 'stuff' that clutters my life and I'm determined, with God's help, to focus a little more on me now.

10 Things I Do Every Day

I spotted this on Judy's blog. She originally saw it on this blog. Now it's on my blog.

10 Things I Do Every Day

1. I have 2 cups of very strong coffee with Irish Creme creamer in it with a Veddy Cheddy Cheddar Bagel. This has been my breakfast for years...only the bagel flavor of choice changes when I get sick of a particular kind.

2. I make the bed, start a load of wash, fold the load I'd done the day before and put it away, get dressed, have a bottle ready for Cooper when he gets here, and try to find time to check my emails...I know this is a lot in one, but this is all accomplished between 4 - 5:30 am.

3. The grandboys and I settle down in the recliner rocker when whichever parent who drops them off leaves to watch episodes of "Curious George", "Super Why", or "Spongebob Squarepants" while Cooper has his bottle. We snuggle under blankets and it's very cozy.

4. I take Miss Chloe dog for a potty walk around 5 am.

5. We watch the birds at the feeders outside the window.

6. I ignore the ringing of the phone unless I see on the Caller ID it's someone I know.

7. At the end of the day, when the boys leave, I take Miss Chloe dog for another potty walk.

8. Dear Hubby and I eat dinner together and watch the news.

9. I transfer the wash in to the dryer.

10. I go to bed at 7:30.

If I'm lucky and the internet is cooperating -- it's been very temperamental lately -- I might, just might, find a little time to blog.

If I'm lucky.

Is it Valentine's Day ALREADY?!?

2008 was a hard year for us, as far as personal issues go. Dear Hubby lost his Dad. I had two major surgeries. We lost 4 neighbors. Another neighbor almost died. On and on the list goes. We were hoping 2009 would start out on a calmer, smoother note. I don't think so.

So far, since around Christmas time, we've had one close family member go thru major cancer surgery who is now facing chemo treatments twice weekly for the next 6 months. We lost an uncle who was very dear to us just a few weeks ago. There have been some personal issues I've had heavy on my heart that don't concern me directly but hit close to home so I've been burdened for that. One of our brothers-in-law suffered a massive heart attack yesterday and barely survived. He's expected to recover after having surgery but there was a lot of damage done to his heart so we're not sure how this will affect his life. A dear friend lost her husband last week. On and on this list goes as well.

So...when I say I've been swamped that's putting it a bit mildly, I think, but on top of the long hours with the grandboys there's been precious little time to sit down and attempt to catch my breath. I say "attempt" because I don't feel as if I have for a long time now. I got an email from my cousin telling me to 'slow down!' and believe me, I would if I could. I'd come here and write more often if I could. I'd do a lot of things if I could. But I can't. So it doesn't do any good to complain. You go with the flow and maintain and that's about the best you can do.

I did have a very nice thing happen this week, tho. I've become friendly with a young mother at my church whose little boy Jesse is in Dylan's Sunday School class. A few weeks ago we got to talking about how both Jess and Dylan need more exposure to other kids their age and I told her how difficult that is to do, being a stay-at-home Grandma and not having a circle of young moms like I'd had when I was raising my own kids to visit and interact with. I told her I'd taken Dylan to a Play Time at a local community center and she said she'd like to do something like that with Jesse as well. With it being the small world that it is, her husband happens to work for the same company my son does, so I had my son ask her husband for their phone number. When I saw her at church last Sunday, I asked if she'd be interested in coming over and visiting so we could get Jesse and Dylan acquainted with each other and she very quickly agreed to it. So I called her and the two of them came over Tuesday morning, I think it was, and ended up staying for a couple of hours and we all had a great time. Even tho she's only 30 we have - surprisingly - a lot in common so we chatted up a storm while the boys played very well together, as much as two 2-year-olds can. They're still pretty much playing near each other at this stage of the game, but they managed to do it very peaceably. We're planning on getting together and doing other things as well. I really, really need this for myself, too. When I go to bed at nite and dream of Curious George and now Spongebob Squarepants as well...well, I think I need some time with at least another adult during the day here and there. Especially these past few months where we've been housebound most of the time.

I taught Dylan how to play "Statues" yesterday. He loved it.

I have a note to myself lying here next to the computer that I jotted down yesterday about "Money/Jesus" that I wanted to write about - or at least mention on my blog. I sat here staring at it for a full minute before I remembered what it was I wanted to say about it. Now it's come to me. You know, with this huge stimulus bill being in the news front and center for the past few weeks, I don't think we have any idea just how much money that equals out to. At least I know my little peanut brain had no concept of it. Dear Hubby happened to hear on one of his talk radio shows he listens to on the way home from work just how much it is, in layman terms, so the radio host's listening audience could grasp it. It would equal out to one million dollars per day being spent from the time Jesus was on earth until right now. I still am having a hard time digesting that one. I'm tickled if I have an extra $50 in the bank by the time the next paycheck rolls around.

And so it goes on this Valentine's Day. It's just past 6 am and I'll be leaving to buy groceries in an hour. Dear Hubby has gone sturgeon fishing with his cousin on the Willamette River today. I'll be baby sitting the grandboys most of the afternoon so my son and his wife can go out to a nice lunch and a movie together to celebrate the day.

I'm tired.

For those interested in knowing,
I'm still here.
Just SWAMPED!

Two Great Minds Think Alike...

I think she and I are both sick unto death

of all the political

HOGWASH!

This was me yesterday....

This was me yesterday.

If it wasn't glued down, nailed down, chained down, bolted down, or screwed down,

it was in my mouth.

Ugh.

The Story of my Life

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.

~ Carl Sandburg ~

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. ~ Author Unknown

That's something I need to remember, that there's something good in every day.
I need to remember I'm not in control and that I need to lean more on the One who is.
I need to readjust my attitude about a lot of things.
I need to focus more on the positives and let the negatives flow out of me.
I need to slow down.
I need to let Life's little irritations stay little and not let them irritate me so much.
I need to quit trying to figure everything out.
I need more time.
I need more fun.
I need adult interaction.
I need more time to read.
I need to ask for help more often.
I need to find myself
Again.

How To Say Thank You. Not!

Real life. Well. What can I say except it's been totally chaotic for the past week. Weather and colds and ear infections haven't allowed outdoor walks for a while. I babysat my grandsons this past weekend and I got a total of 1 1/2 hours sleep in the time period of getting up at 6 am Friday morning - I slept in 2 hours, thankfully - until crawling in to bed around 4 pm yesterday afternoon. Let me tell you, I can see why sleep deprivation is a form of torture. But when a baby has an ear infection and is screaming all nite and you're walking the floors trying to keep him quiet so the rest of the household can sleep, you're just craving sleep. But it ain't gonna happen. So, you walk the floors.

Blog writing? A blog? Do I have a blog? Oh yeah, I do! And that brings me to lopsided compliments. Well, maybe lopsided isn't quite the right word but I'm still in a fog this morning as I write this at 4:28. We had a family funeral this past Monday and it was worked out amongst us how to have the boys taken care of so I could attend it. Family we never get to see except at funerals any more were there. One cousin came up to me and gave me a big hug and after a few moments of chitchat, as she turned to walk away, she suddenly turned back and said, "You smell really good!" I laughed and said, "No, it's probably because the last 5 people who've hugged me have left some of their cologne behind." She shook her head. "No," she insisted, "you smell really good." I said, "Well, thank you!" and pondered that one over after she left. I mentioned it to my daughter later and she said, "But, Mom, you do smell good. I bet you could be in a room with a bunch of people and if I came in blindfolded and was told I had to smell you to find you, I'd find you. You just smell good!" Well, maybe they wouldn't think so after I've camped in the high desert for a week, but oh well.

Another cousin who's recently become a grandma for the first time came up and hugged me, too. When I asked her how she likes being one, she said, "Oh, Kris! Isn't it the greatest feeling in the world?" and I said yes, it is. I told her I'm caring for Dylan and Cooper full time so I'm busy with Round Two of raising babies and she said, "But, Kris, you were always so good at it!" That was one of the nicest compliments I've ever received.

How do you handle compliments? I tend to dodge and bluster my way thru them. I don't handle them well. Dear Hubby and I have an 'inside joke' where, when I'm huffing and fluffing my way thru one, he'll say, "Say 'Thank you', Krissy!" to me and that'll cause me to stop and simmer down and just say, "Thank you." A boss of mine at a former job used to say that to me when I'd get all flustered. I don't know why I do. Maybe because compliments weren't dished out much in our household growing up and I never learned how to be gracious and feel deserving of them when I do receive them.

Well. "Thank you, Martha and Dixie."

There. I did it.