Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~ William Wordsworth

Because real life has gotten incredibly complicated lately

I'm taking a break.

Once some things get settled

I'll be back.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

Please go here and enjoy!

This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave. ~ Elmer Davis

Two things I've learned since I began blogging.
There is a California, Missouri.
And a Wyoming, Michigan.
Who woulda thought....

Fall seven times, stand up eight. ~ Japanese Proverb

I haven't written anything about post menopausal life in a long time, have I? I probably shouldn't attempt writing about it tonite because I. am. in. a. very. foul. mood.

Very.

And I don't even know why, really.

I'm a fabulous multi-tasker. I don't think I'd have any problems whatsoever being a CEO for some huge corporation. My mind is quite often on the next task while I'm performing a current task while juggling the results of the last task while fielding a million "Why, Ahma?" queries while giving instructions to Dylan on how to play a computer game while I'm remembering this, that, and the next thing that's been asked for me to do during a day. And most of the time I do all this with good grace.

Then there are days like today. It was stormy outside. Dylan was sick and feverish. Cooper was asking a million times if we could go for a walk. They took naps, which was peaceful for a while. The afternoon was unremarkable. Then the boys went home. And suddenly I'm thinking about this weekend. I'm leaving tomorrow with the boys to go home with them to care for them over the weekend while my son and daughter-in-law fly out-of-town. I won't be coming home until Monday morning...they'll be flying in rather late Sunday evening. I haven't packed anything for myself yet. I haven't given the first thought to food for myself, either. And then Dear Hubby asked me, "What am I going to have for dinner while you're gone?" And I'm thinking, "I. Don't. Know." He's going hunting...I'd figured on those meals only when I went grocery shopping last Saturday. And that was a hurried affair because I was meeting my bloggy friend Simone on the other side of town at 9 for breakfast and I was distracted and I didn't even think of Thursday and Friday nite meals. I told him to go buy a Subway. But then I dug around in the freezer and found a roast which I now have thawing and he can have sandwiches. I'm going to be too busy to worry about it.

My daughter will read this and say, "Oh, here she goes. Another one of her "no one will help" me rants." No, that's not it at all. Sometimes I just become so overwhelmed with too much to juggle and organize and keep afloat. Too many requests and questions from too many directions at once. I mean, I seem to be perfectly capable of taking care of my own needs. Am I dense to think that others should be capable of taking care of their own, too?

There's something about reaching a little past middle age, when your body is beginning to say "Gimme a break". When the natural inclination is to slooooooooooooow down a little bit. I must admit for a woman who's almost 57 I have an amazing amount of energy but even I can feel Father Time tugging at me a little more all the time. I can feel myself asking, "When will MY time come around?" When I can be a little more selfish and not feel guilty about claiming a little more of my life for myself. I see myself following a pattern here...I keep saying "little". A little time, a little more selfish, a little more life. Why do I always feel I deserve only a 'little' portion of this, a little portion of that? Do I really see my claim on the world so insignificant? That my needs are any less than anyone elses?

Oh, I dunno.

I'm in a very foul mood.

Very.

We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. ~ Lynn Hall

I seem to be caught in a state of limbo lately. I've got a lot on my mind...a lot...and nothing I can write about right now. So my mind is full of static and focusing on much more than the task at hand is beyond me. I'm not one who functions well in this capacity. I like things smooth and predictable. No rocking the boat. No decision-making. Just a peaceful boat ride on a placid lake. But how often does that happen in life?

Dylan was home all last week with a nasty cold and Cooper had pneumonia so we were all just about stir crazy by the time they went home Friday evening. We all agreed Dylan could go back to preschool on Monday. Monday afternoon he complained of having a sore throat. Yesterday by 10:30 he was crying and asking to go home so he could sleep in his own bed...he was sooooo tired, he told me. Cooper was tired enough too that I decided on an early nap for them and it didn't take long for them to both fall asleep. Dylan slept for three hours and Cooper for 2 1/2. When Dylan did finally get up he laid on the couch and didn't want to move...he had a headache and told me he hurt all over. I know when I put him on the bed for his nap he'd complained of being cold and when I felt his hands and feet they were all like ice so I lay down with him and snuggled up close until he was warm. So....no field trip for him to Trader Joe's today. His class is going there for a tour of the store and then to purchase food for their Harvest Feast on Friday. The children are going to prepare all the food. I'll see how he's feeling by then. I'm going to be spending Thursday nite thru Monday morning in Vancouver at their house while my son and daughter-in-law are out-of-town for the weekend so I don't know if I want to drive all the way to preschool from there or not.

That's one thing that's always irked me, tho. People sending their sick children to school or day care of Sunday School. The germs just pass around and around and around. When I dropped Dylan off on Monday kids were coughing...runny noses were everywhere. I don't understand it. If a child is sick, keep them HOME!

And that is my rant for the day.

I got on my bike this morning and got so lost in pedaling and listening to music I was stunned to find out when I got off and turned lights on that I'd ridden for 65 minutes. Where does the time go when you're having fun?

The Possible's slow fuse is lit by the Imagination. ~ Emily Dickinson

We have found the elusive "Keepy" the grandboys and I were searching for a few weeks back! Dylan was looking thru the photos on Facebook his mom had taken of them when they were visiting Long Beach in Washington State this past summer and all of a sudden I heard him yell, "Gram, here's Keepy!" When I came over to look, this photo was on the screen. That's Dylan on the left and "Keepy" on the right. Who is Keepy, you might ask? Why it's none other than Cooper's daughter who went looking for Dylan's daughter and granddaughters when they got lost at the beach. That's who Keepy is.

Mystery solved.

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner. ~ Colette

I have been fighting a killer sinus headache all day. I woke up with it and hoped that when I went downstairs to ride on my bike the exercise might help ease it. It did for a while. Long enough to rush off and do my grocery shopping. I arrived home with barely enough time to put the cold and frozen items in to the refrigerator, then dashed out the door to drive over to SW Portland to meet my new bloggy friend Simone for breakfast at a restaurant in Beaverton. She recently moved here from southern California and we've been talking about trying to meet each other. Today just happened to be a day that worked out for both of us. I was really sweating about meeting her on time. I used to work at a school over in that area and my commute usually took about 45 minutes but that was during rush hour traffic on weekdays. This was 9 am on a Saturday morning. But still.... Luckily I think I hit only two red lights the whole way over, even at Scholls Ferry Road! Anyone familiar with that intersection knows what the odds of hitting a green light there is, ha! I pulled in to the parking lot and went into the little vestibule area of the restaurant to see if she'd arrived before me but no sign of her yet so I sat down on a bench there to wait for her. Didn't sit there long, tho...she arrived just minutes after I did. So I went out in to the parking lot and gave her a hug and off we went to have breakfast and a lovely getting-to-know-you kind of chat. Neither of us has known one another very long....it was Anita who first brought Simone to my attention, sending me an email and telling me about what a lovely lady she is and that she was moving to my area...could I leave Simone a comment on her blog and welcome her? When I went to Simone's blog it was to find she was already 'in transit' so I left a comment welcoming her and I believe I also said if she needed any help adjusting to give me a holler by comment or email and I'd be happy to help. She did, and we also connected on Facebook. So we've been getting to know each other electronically. I have never met a fellow blogger face-to-face so this was a new experience for me. I think she told me I'm the 4th one she's met.

I think I'm at some kind of emotional 'bridge' in my life at this stage. A few years ago I never would've dreamed of doing what I did today. I met pen pals in my younger years and the last one I met was such a disaster I said I'd never do something like that again, meet a virtual stranger. But Simone just seemed like such a lovely, gracious person I didn't feel any qualms about meeting her at all. And for two women who knew next to nothing about each other when we sat down across the table face to face it was very relaxed and easy and I don't think we ever had any of those dreaded gulfs of silence you're always worried about. We chatted about family and blogging and her move to Portland, her new job. Then we went to Goodwill and browsed thru books and talked about our favorite authors. She used to do day care and suggested a game she saw that she thought Dylan and Cooper might like.

One thing that endeared her to me was the first thing she asked when we sat down: "How's Cooper doing?" That there told me she was someone definitely worth getting to know.

And we plan on another breakfast sometime in the near future, over in Vancouver that time. Lots of good thrift stores there! Because that's another thing we have in common besides books. Thrift stores! Dear Hubby better watch out...he's got competition now!

As for the sinus headache, by the time I drove home 3 1/2 hours later it was bad. I put a pan of water on the stove and steamed myself, took some Advil, and laid down on the couch. I think I dozed a bit...I remember Dear Hubby watching one episode of "The Andy Griffith Show" and waking up to another. The headache was halfway bearable. It's settled behind my left tear duct. And it's hovering right on the verge of blowing up on me again. I need some sleep. And I'm heading for bed.

But not before I thank Simone for the lovely morning we spent together. You are just as gracious and kind and nice as I thought you'd be. And I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. ~ Berthold Auerbach

One of my beautiful boys.

Doesn't he look peaceful?

I'm not sure if this is going to be short or long tonite. I am beyond tired. A full week inside the house with two sick boys. Cabin fever central. I am sooooooooooo looking forward to tomorrow morning. Once I get my detested grocery shopping done I'm meeting a bloggy friend for breakfast and then we may do some retail -- or is that resale? -- therapy at a Goodwill store near the restaurant. I need some adult time, some 'girl' time. I think Simone's going to be the perfect lady to do that with.

Dear Hubby heard on the radio or the news recently that women who exercise aerobically for 30 minutes every day have a better chance of not getting breast cancer. Well, since I'm pretty fond of "The Girls" I'm giving it my best shot. When I first got my exercise bike two weeks ago I started out M/W/F and then on Saturday and Sunday. After hearing that about breast cancer I have ridden my bike every day this week so far, upping my time to 45 minutes. I'm getting the 'old' me back! Firming up everywhere. Feeling good everywhere. Especially in my head. There is something about doing something only for yourself that really makes you feel good. It is MY time. Everyone's asleep. No lights on in the house, just me and music and motion.

Speaking of music, my daughter came up with a brilliant idea. She called me on her way home from work and asked me if I'd like her to pick up a iPod for my bike riding. In years past when I had an old Walkman headset I'd recorded a tape with 45 minutes of music on each side...one day I'd listen to one side, the next day I'd flip it over and listen to that one. Worked out perfect and I'd know when I came to the end of the tape I'd put in my time. She picked one up at Walmart for me and then helped me get iTunes downloaded on to my computer. So now I'm busy thinking about music and downloading all kinds of it to shuffle around every day. What I love is it's so tiny! I can clip it to my shirt and not have to worry about walking away from the bike without remembering to remove my headphones that are connected to my discman. I had a Swede moment this morning and did that and my discman crashed to the cement floor. Not a good thing. It didn't break it but one or two more crashes like that and it will.

As much as I'd love to write and write and write tonite I am just not up to it. The sleepies are claiming me quickly so before I slip into writing nothing but nonsense I'm hanging it up and heading for bed.

A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs. ~ Joan Welsh

The weather's been every shade of gray that you see in this picture. But a big crockpot full of homemade chicken vegetable soup last nite helped keep the chills at bay.

I like to scan my Feedjit on here every time I come to my blog, just to see where visitors are coming from. And then I get to feeling guilty if I see cities listed I recognize from frequency on here and I haven't posted anything worth reading recently. Or anything at all. Let me just say, between taking care of sick grandboys -- the youngest one, Cooper, has pneumonia -- and a plate so full of 'stuff' it's leaking over the sides and puddling all over the place, I can't concentrate on much. Life constantly interrupts behind the scenes here.

But good news, too. Dear Hubby had a physical and everything checked out quite well except for his 'bad' cholesterol. The doctor put him on medication for three months and told him to stay away from red meat -- not a hardship -- and exercise regularly. Which Dear Hubby has almost always done, except over the past few months when he was on that impossibly early shift. The doctor gave him incentive, tho, and yesterday afternoon in the pouring down rain he put on his running gear and jogged all the way to the top of Mt. Tabor and home again. 5 miles in about an hour. He looked like a drowned rat when he came in the door.

At 2:30 the alarm went off this morning and I reset it for 3:30, mumbling to Dear Hubby, "I'm too tired!" Whine whine whine. Then I thought to myself, "It's the bike riding that energizes me. Get up, you bum!" And up I hopped...well, stumbled actually and down I went and did 40 minutes. I'm glad I listened to myself. I feel goooooooooooooooooooooood.

Beyond that, between illness and foul weather we're pretty much housebound. We have discovered the Sprout website and Dylan has been enjoying the variety of games and puzzles on there. Cooper's finally getting over some of his cough but he's been content to spend a lot of time snuggling with me in the rocking chair. I've been content snuggling with him, too. Is there anything sweeter than burying your nose into a wee one's hair and breathing in the scent of a little boy? I think not.

If you want to be happy, be. ~ Leo Tolstoy

Just so you know, I haven't abandoned my blog. A week ago my security was breached on Facebook and I think whoever or whatever did that really played a stinkeroony on my computer. It has taken on a life and a mind of its own ever since. In fact, I DID write a blog entry Saturday evening, only to have it disappear when I clicked on it to publish it. But it didn't disturb me too much. There really wasn't much on there to get excited about. Just another item to put on my "Why I HATE Technology" list.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I am waiting to hear back from her but I have a fairly new bloggy buddy named Simone who recently moved to the Portland area from southern California. We have Anita to thank for bringing Simone to my attention. She's a mutual blog friend who emailed me a while back and told me she had a blog friend moving to my area...maybe I could go make a comment and welcome her? So I did, right when Simone was 'in transit' on her way moving here. We connected and we've been getting acquainted thru our blogs as well as on Facebook. We've decided it's time to meet each other so I'm hoping it will work out this coming Saturday. I left her a message telling her I'd like to take her out to breakfast. I wrote the message about half an hour ago, around 4 am, so I'm thinking it'll be a while before she reads it. Especially with her living in my city and my time zone, ha!

I am just killing it on my new exercise bike. I'm trying to ride every single day or at least 5 days per week. I'm already feeling like 1/2 an hour isn't enough so I'm upping it to 45 minutes tomorrow morning. I can't get up any earlier than 2:30 so what's going to happen is I'm going to have to cut in to my early-morning computer time. Since this is my main time on this machine I don't really like to do that...but I am feeling sooooooooooooooooooooooo good getting back in to a daily exercise routine it's definitely worth the sacrifice. You can not believe how much it has helped the arthritis in my hips and lower back. Now I get up out of bed, instead of creep/roll by inches out of bed. That in itself is worth it all.

My daughter is going to see if a techie-savvy friend of a friend can clean up my computer for me and put Windows 7 on it, too, so if I disappear for a week or so in the near future don't think too much about it. On top of my post disappearing, after I'd answered an email and clicked on it to delete it, every email in my Inbox disappeared right along with it. Nowhere to be found. Not even in my Deleted file. Browsing is a joke...everything moves sooooooooooooo slowly. Time to do some major housecleaning, I'm thinking.

Bah.

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~ Mary Engelbreit

I admit it. I'm one long-winded person. I am known for my epic-length comments, for my epic-length emails. I don't know when to "put a cork in it", like I'm always telling me grandson Cooper on his fussy days. And here is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. I left this comment a day or two ago on a friend's blog:

"People assume – wrongly – that I have hundreds of friends. I have hundreds of acquaintances but only a small core of what I would describe as true friends and most of them come from my childhood/young adulthood. My daughter tells me I give off a very friendly vibe upon meeting people but, with that said, I don’t give the impression that I want to take it any further. Yet, complete strangers will open up to me and tell me their life stories. I don’t ‘do’ confidences in return. I am very guarded that way. This is a conundrum to me. I used to waste endless hours and energy worrying about it like a dog with a bone. And then I finally came to the realization that I am who I am and accepted myself for who I am. God made each of us unique. We see and know our inner turmoils but the outside world doesn’t unless we open up and let them in. Honestly, in retrospect, there have been a lot of experiences I wouldn’t share with the world for anything. I have enough social contact to keep me content. I used to yearn for more but at this stage of the game I really don’t think I’m going to change much, if at all. And, again in all honesty, crowds make me anxious. Large gatherings of people do too. My little corner I’ve created really does suit my needs."

I am going to open up and let you in.

What she wrote about was a retrospect on friendships thru a lifetime. It was gut-wrenchingly honest. It resonated with a lot of people. It resonated with me. In many ways I'm a social misfit. I've never run with a crowd. I've never been in the 'in' group. I spent a lot of school lunch times sitting by myself eating my sandwich once we moved to Vancouver. I never got asked to a dance. I wasn't invited to many slumber parties. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I had a lot of deep resentment towards those who did have those things. I, too, was very inward focused instead of outward facing. And that's a very selfish way to live, inward focused. It's also a very isolated way to live. We think everything revolves around us. That everyone is aware of us. That they're scrutinizing us, judging us, making fun of us. That they're thinking there is absolutely nothing right about us.

And this, at long last, I've learned is not true. Think about it. How much time do you give thought to the people around you? That their hair looks funny? They didn't tweeze that one eyebrow hair so their eyebrows aren't balanced? Their shoes aren't polished. They walk pigeon-toed. One ear is slightly higher than the other. Their fingernails are bitten. Their fingernails are too long. Do any of us really scrutinize people to the degree insecure people believe they do?

One of the weirdest hang ups I ever had was about my fingers. I thought I had hairy knuckles. I thought everyone who looked at me, when I was ages 13 to 17, noticed nothing but my hairy knuckles. And why did I think they were hairy? I look at them now and you can hardly see the tiny golden hairs there. And yet I was sure I looked like an ape.

I was sure when I ate out in restaurants as a teen that every eye of every person was watching me as I ate. And the more paranoid I became about it, the sloppier I became. I can't tell you how many times my mom would sigh and say, "If you'd just relax! No one is looking at you." But in my hyper state of self-awareness I couldn't...wouldn't...believe her.

Somewhere along the line I reinvented myself. Or maybe I found myself again. The me I am now is very much like the little girl I was back when my world was secure and happy. Somewhere along the line I got tired of that miserable person I was, who felt unliked. Feeling unloved is bad enough, but unliked is a thousand times worse. For almost all of us, there's someone out there who loves us. But to be unliked? That undermines the very foundation of who we are, how we perceive our self worth. If we don't feel like the world likes us, it's almost impossible for us to like ourselves.

I do have a tendency to ramble. And I have a tendency to brood on such things. I know why I like someone, but I still have a hard time figuring out why someone might like me.

Maybe there's hope for Oregon yet....

My good bloggy friend Donna had this link on her Facebook this morning and I went to it and found it very revealing. You click on your State and then answer a few simple questions about each topic the candidates either support or don't support. It ends up being quite revealing, not only about them but about yourself as well, when it comes to which way you lean. It also shows what the percentage is of those who support the candidate you favor...so it gives you an idea of how they might vote or have voted. Go take a peek...it's an eye opener:

http://www.votesmart.org/voteeasy/

PLEASE VOTE!

This may end up being the most important election

in our life time.

The word "imp" was created with these two in mind...

Once in a young lifetime one should be allowed to have as much sweetness as one can possibly want and hold. ~ Judith Olney

Dylan's saying, "Just bring on the candy, folks!"

Fun with good friends
Cooper, Dylan, and their friends Sabrina and Emily