Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~ Thomas à Kempis

Photo by DesignMD

What was your relationship with your mother like, if you are a daughter? That's a loaded bomb waiting to go off, isn't it? For some of us anyway. For me.

I lost my mom when I was 35. She's been gone for 21 years now. I'm not one of those women who wallpapers her walls or any other surfaces with family photos. I have one of Dylan on display. One of Cooper. A portrait photo of my maternal great-grandmother at the age of 18 on her high school graduation day in 1898 or thereabouts. A large photo of my kids taken when they were around kindergarten age, others of them around graduation. One of Dear Hubby. That's it.

So...if I need to remind myself what my mother looked like I go to an elaborate antique cigar box that belonged to my maternal great-grandfather. I have many snapshots and old family obituaries that date back to one of my great-great-grandfathers, and I rummage around in it until I find a photo taken of both my parents. It was taken not long before she died. She is sitting on my father's lap and actually has a half-smile on her face. I can't tell you how rare that was, to see her with a smile. To see her having any physical contact with my father. If I need to remember how she sounded I dig out an old VCR tape of a family Christmas in 1987, I believe it was. When she was ill with cancer but not terminal yet. I hear her cackling laugh. My daughter has inherited that, and her tendency to talk to the television.

And if I need to remind myself of who she was...well, I'm at a bit of a loss there. I have my memories of who I thought she was but, the older I get, the more distorted those memories seem to be. I don't really think she was the woman I remember her as. As much as she talked, talked, talked to me...I don't think she ever revealed her real self. So much of her is a mystery to me and, regrettably, will remain so. So much of what she did reveal to me...well, I don't know how accurate a lot of it was. A few years ago a cousin of hers who grew up with her came out from New Hampshire to visit and on a day when Ginger and I spent several hours together I asked her to tell me what my mom was like as a young woman, as a girl. Ginger told me as much as she could but I think I went away feeling even more confused than I'd been before. Some of the family history she told me wasn't quite like the history my mom passed on to us. I don't think my brothers ever cared one way or another but maybe because I'm the only female in our family I wanted a more tangible grasp of who our mom was. But she'll forever be an enigma to me. A swirly vapor. A breeze that lifts the hair on the back of my neck. A smoky haze hovering just over the edge of the horizon.

My younger brother and I spent a day together during my vacation week and we did a lot of talking about a lot of things. We both know she made the comment she would've had a happier marriage if she'd never had children. We both know she was emotionally frozen. That she had no idea how to reach out to people and when people reached out to her she'd deliberately sabotage any friendly overtures. She was bitter. She was mad at the world. Nothing made her happy.

And yet...rare moments...she could be funny. She had a razor-sharp mind. She was hard-working, dedicated. I know she meant well. I knew she was lonely...but I couldn't fill her empty voids. And she resented that. Deeply. She wanted me to herself and she didn't want to share me with my husband, my children. And the less she had of me as I grew older, the more she wanted. I loved her, but I resented her, too. I wanted to be free of the web, what I considered the millstone around my neck. I wanted freedom to live my life.

These are wise words: "Be careful what you wish for".

Sometimes you get it.

My mother and I made peace with each other before she died. She told me many times, "I wish I could go back and do it over again when it comes to you". I told her it was water under the bridge, that I survived. That I loved her.

And here I am, a motherless daughter. For a long time now. And sometimes, as I think of her now and then, I realize maybe I know her better than I thought I did. Maybe, as a more mature woman, I understand her better now. That the water under the bridge has taken me over all kinds of rips and rills and free-falls and boulders along the way. I have a lot more of Life tucked into my belt now. I am less mystified. I am more forgiving.

She was who she was. I am who I am. And I am my mother's daughter.

Birthdays...yesterday and today...

Could it possibly be? 34 years ago yesterday I gave birth to my daughter. 32 years ago today I gave birth to my son. In this photo they're the same ages as my grandsons are now, 2 and 4.


I remember spending the day with my Mom on my oldest brother's 40th birthday. All day long she kept saying, "I can't believe I'm the mother of a 40-year-old son!"


I know exactly how she felt.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping. ~ Bo Derek

4-year-old Dylan is becoming a computer whiz. I have two of his favorite sites on my Favorites bar for him -- the PBS Games and Disney Pixar Cars from the "Cars" movie that has pictures and names of all the "Cars" characters. He has most of them memorized. He also wants all of them for Christmas. I have found a wonderful way to keep him occupied, adding and subtracting cars to his Christmas List. I showed him how to add cars to his 'cart' and how to remove them, then how to back-arrow to the main page so he can browse some more. Yesterday his list was up to $1,779. Today, as I closed down the site after he left for home, it was down to $1,278. What a shopper! Good thing I haven't shown him how to use my debit card.

And, no....he isn't getting every "Car" for Christmas. Fat chance.

We're captive on the carousel of time; we can't return we can only look behind. ~ Joni Mitchell

Last week I was on vacation and one of the things I did, besides the mundane chores of painting the front porch steps and sorting/donating a bunch of stuff cluttering the basement, I spent a day with my younger brother. He took me out to lunch at a Mexican restaurant in downtown Vancouver and on the way back to his home we decided to take a drive thru our old neighborhood. To our surprise, 'our' house was up for sale, with an information box with flyers inside tacked on to the "For Sale" post. If anyone was home they'd had no idea who we were so I jumped out of my brother's Aston Martin -- a waaaaaaaaaaaaay cool car, by the way -- to grab a flyer. Since the time period we both lived there, in the late 1960s-1970s, a whole lot of remodeling has gone on and even tho the basic floor plan is the same it doesn't look anything like it did when we were teens. It's gorgeous. The windows to the right of the front door belong to what used to be my bedroom. It's since been converted to a home office with beautiful French doors. The upstairs, which used to be an unfinished attic, is now a huge master bedroom suite with a sitting area in the front gable. The kitchen is to die for. Sigh......if only my parents had been blessed with the money to update it! When they bought it in 1968 they paid something like $11,900 for it. Today it is selling for $239,900. Whoa. One thing it has going for it is it's located in a neighborhood near downtown that is being revitalized, with lots of old bungalow and tudor and Craftsmen homes that have been purchased and revamped. As beautiful as it is I wouldn't want to live there again. Too many bad memories. I suppose you can go home again, but it isn't always a wise choice to do so.

You haven't experienced real life until you've volunteered in a preschool with 15 rambunctious, energetic, inquisitive, precocious, adorable 4-year-olds. What a hoot! Cooper and I spent the morning yesterday with Dylan and his classmates and I can't remember the last time 3 hours have passed so quickly. We played out on the playground, danced/wiggled/jiggled to music, played "What's Your Name" as we tossed a beanbag around the circle, had snack time, craft time, play time, story time. I took blocks and built a huge roadway for the little boys to drive their cars and trucks on. I played doll house with Ava. Ezra and Sumalee followed me around like shadows. I helped several go potty. I didn't have time to feel like the 'odd man out' being the only Grandma there amongst 3 younger mothers...I was too busy! Tho I did have a nice conversation during story time with one of the mothers as she and I swept up the sand around the sand table. I told her what a wonderful experience it is for both Dylan and Cooper to have this exposure to other kids because with being a stay-at-home Grandma I don't really have a network of friends with little ones to spend time with. She told me that she doesn't, either, and with her little boy James heading off for kindergarten next year she was becoming very concerned about him being too isolated. So many mothers work now. Besides James she also has a little one who is Cooper's age...so maybe on one of their 'off' days from school I'll invite her over so the four of them can play together.



Each little phase of the grandboys' childhood is so bittersweet. I didn't have the time or take the time when I was a young parent to realize that, for most of us, one time around the parenthood circuit is the only one we get. We're too tired, too stressed, too young ourselves to know how much we should savor each moment as we're living it. But, oh, how time and age gives us such a different perspective! This time I know it's the last time for me. I don't necessarily want to stop time and keep them little forever, but there are days I wish it would slow down a little bit! But, no...Time waits for no one.

Jesus loves me, this I know......

Yesterday my grandson Dylan handed me a toy cell phone and asked me, "Gram, will you call Heaven?" I asked him why. He said, "My other Papa is in Heaven." And I told him that yes, he is. He asked me, "Would you call and ask them to take care of him for me?"

If I had to sum up Friendship in one word, it would be Comfort. ~ Terri Guillemets

And so I enter into a new phase of grandparenthood. Preschool. Tonite my daughter-in-law and I went to the preschool orientation for Dylan. I was the only grandma there. Typical. I'm used to that. But what amazed...and amused...me was how many single fathers were there. A few of them in their work clothes - dress slacks, white shirts, ties - but definitely without any female in tow. Hmmmmmmmmm. Family dynamics were beginning to change when I was a young mother but the basic nuclear family - dad, mom, and kid/kids - was still pretty much the norm. Not so any more. I don't know if these fathers are actual 'single' fathers with custody of their little ones...or 'partnership' fathers...or if the mothers were working and unable to attend. It's a cooperative preschool so I'll be volunteering in the classroom two days per month. I'm sure I'll learn soon enough which child belongs to who and how it all circles around and weaves in and out, all the threads that will bind this small group of children together. My daughter-in-law and I both felt comfortable. It didn't feel like any of the women who run it have a 'goddess' complex of being in charge. Everyone was warm and friendly and helpful and informative. School begins Monday. Tally ho and away we go!



Today my best friend Lizzee came over to spend the day with me. Oh, I love her. Just absolutely love her. We've been best friends since February 1967. 43 years. Longer than many of you who are reading this have been alive. The year Spencer Tracy died. "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" by the Beatles was released. "A Man for All Seasons" won the Academy Award. The 6-Day War was fought in Israel. Race riots erupted in Detroit, New York City, and Birmingham, Alabama. Thurgood Marshall became the first black Supreme Court Justice. Congress created PBS. Rolling Stone magazine debuted. "The Graduate", "Cool Hand Luke", "Bonnie and Clyde" and "In the Heat of the Night" were all popular movies. We were both 13 years old.



Yes, indeed. A lot of water under the bridge this friendship has stood by and watched trickle down the River of Life.



Amazing.

Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere. ~ Chinese Proverb

Do we ever stop learning? Do we ever throw down the pencil, rip up the paper, toss it in to the garbage and say, "Enough already!"

As a little girl, with three brothers, I was a major tomboy. I had to be, not only to survive but also to be included in everything. Our neighborhood sorely lacked girls outside of myself, my friend Angie, and Ruthie...but Ruthie wasn't really one to come outside and play so we won't count her. Angie was a little more girly-girly than I was but she quite often followed my lead. We'd have our afternoons of hauling all of our Barbie stash out under the cherry tree in her yard and play dolls for hours, but quite often you'd find us playing baseball with the boys in Dr. Moore's parking lot, "War" in the Rambo's back field using real dirt clods for hand grenades. It was a toss-up most nites as to who was the dirtiest, myself or my brothers, when we'd come in at bedtime.

I'm left-handed but that didn't discourage my brothers from teaching me how to throw like a guy. I could throw a perfect spiral with a football. I was the girl 'star' in my class at kick ball. But I was a great pitcher. I perfected a killer curve ball. I threw hard, I threw fast, and I was deadly accurate. And I practiced and practiced. And practiced some more.

My dad taught me a lot of life strategies as a child that have worked well for me all of my life. Never back down. Never take a back seat to anyone. Being a girl isn't an excuse. You can do anything you set your mind to. Don't give up. No matter what kind of ball Life pitched at him he never struck out. He had a marvelous attititude. If you asked him how he liked his job, even if he detested it, he'd tell you, "Well, it's the only job I've got right now and I'm glad for that." He was generous. He was good-hearted.

So...I guess you could say I'm a chip off the old block. I try hard to see the glass half full. Dear Hubby tells me I'm about as easy-going as easy-going can be. After 36 years with me, he ought to know! I like to think I'm generous and good-hearted. I really do enjoy life.

I'm hoping all of this will hold me steady in the days to come. I'm hoping when I come across something I don't know the answer to, that I have no idea how I'm going to come to terms with, I'll dig deep into Dad's treasure trough of sound advice and put what I find there to good use. This is not going to be a time in my life when it's ok to falter, ok to back down, ok to give in and give up. This is a time when I need to hunker down and plan strategy. Someone is depending on me. I can not and will not fail them

If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we couldn't. ~ Emerson M. Pugh

The retail world has a new online consumer: my grandson Dylan. This young boy has been learning lately the joys of computers, mainly online educational games. He's been wanting to add to his "Cars" collection and yesterday he asked me, "Grandma, do you think we can find some on the 'puter?" Mainly, to begin with, it was to find character names of some of the more obscure vehicles from the movie. We found a dandy site for that. And we even ordered 4 new cars, which should be coming by the end of the week. Today we went back to the site, just because he loves to scroll down the page and click on each one to enlarge it, then click the Back arrow to the main page. At the age of 4 his computer skills are quickly catching up with mine! He's so excited knowing his new cars will be arriving any day now that he's asking when he can order more. What have I created?! And I'm already searching for new educational game sites. He's getting bored with the ones he's been playing on, within a few days of finding them. He asked me this afternoon, "Grandma, can you find me some new ones? These are so boring!" I've really got to stay on my toes to keep one step ahead of him.

Our Tiny Mouse arrived today and already I'm loving it! We hooked it up right after the grandboys woke up from their naps and I was amazed at how much it helped Dylan in navigating on the computer. As for me, with the arthritis in my hands it is so much more comfortable! Not having to flex my fingers and hand joints to maneuver a larger mouse already feels better. And it hardly takes up any space.