Tuesday, October 18, 2011
There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anaïs Nin
I have GOT to quit saying "back here" when I talk to people. This afternoon as Cooper and I were walking to school to pick Dylan up we came abreast a middle-aged couple out for a walk and I struck up a conversation with them. Again, I said something about "back here" opposed to "out in Portland" and the husband piped up and asked, "Oh, were you from here originally?" Ai yi yi, lol! So I told them about having that pointed out to me recently, that I refer to "back here" a lot in conversation, but it's been a 57-year mind set...everything east of Oregon is "back there" or "back East". Unless you're referring to Idaho...which is "over in" or Nevada which is "down in". "Up to Seattle". "Down in L.A". Argggghhhh. There's a LOT of country between Oregon and the East Coast that has always been "back there" to me. And now I am "back there" living "back here". Enough on it already!!!
I don't know what kinds of changes are going on in me. All I know is I feel I have a brand new lease on life since I've been here. After decades of feeling pigeon-holed into a tiny little corner where I never was allowed to let the "real me" out to the world, I find myself just letting me fly. I guess we get in our comfort zones, our daily life ruts, and we don't see the forest for the trees. We get up, go to work, go to bed, and get up again.. But being somewhere so totally new, where I am totally unknown to anyone around me...well, it's not like I'm recreating myself exactly. But I've found the true me again and my 'original' personality, the one the Good Lord let me be born with, has found a rebirth of some sort. Once upon a time a million years ago I was a very outgoing friendly little girl. I didn't know a stranger. I loved people. Loved getting to know new people. A new kid would show up in class in my little hometown school and I was the first one to greet them and welcome them.
I'm not sure what killed that spirit in me.
But it was gone for a long, long time. And I've missed it. It's awfully hard to squelch something that is a natural part of who you are. After being passed over, ignored, forgotten most of the time...never noticed...you finally just...give up. And then you find yourself wondering why you allowed that to happen in the first place. But sometimes there are many instances in life that come along where you lose your footing, your confidence, a time or two and then you begin to doubt yourself, question yourself. And eventually lose yourself.
Not any more.
I was thinking on all this today. And I was thinking about how much I've been enjoying opening up to people once again. And wondering why...why...it took me so long to arrive here in myself again. How many, many years I wasted being only half of who I really am. Thinking maybe I don't have all that many years left to enjoy being me again. And I came to the conclusion that at least I realized all this and did something about it. I didn't just go on...existing.
Remember the lady I wrote about a couple blog entries ago? The one I'd met recently who I thought might become a friend? Well, I took the bull by the horns. Got a hold of her. Invited her over to dinner last nite. Had a wonderful time. And you know what? She is such a jewel. And she is now my friend.
Oh, how much we limit ourselves when we hold back! When we don't act on gut instinct and push ourselves out of our comfort zone. How much we miss! We really do! I don't want the rest of my life to be like so much of my middle life was...where I was too timid...too intimidated...to reach beyond myself. I'm finding a richness to my life I haven't experienced in years. And oh my, does it feel sweet.