It's just past 7:30 on this rainy Saturday morning. Dear Hubby left an hour ago to spend part of the day at an archery shoot in Camas, Washington, with one of his nephews and brothers-in-law so I've got most of the day to myself until the middle of the afternoon. Then my daughter and I will be leaving for my son's home to celebrate Dylan's 2nd birthday with family and friends. Dear Hubby will meet up with us there, and then the three of us will stay past the party time to have dinner and watch movies. It should be a nice day. Right now I'm sitting here waiting for time to pass, something I don't do very often because usually time is just whizzing past me at lightning speed. I hardly know what to do with myself when I have quiet pockets of time in a day any more. I'll be heading out to do my birthday shopping once the stores open. But right now I'm listening to Emmylou and sipping coffee, watching the rain fall outside my windows.
I honestly don't question God's timing when things happen in life. I've learned thru 31 years as a Christian that His timing is ultimately the best timing, tho sometimes I have a hard time understanding that when I'm in the midst of a storm. But once the skies clear...once the waters calm...everything works out best if I just let go of the burden and let God in to carry the heavy end. And so I'm not questioning why now is the time I'm going to have to go in and have surgery, when my new grandson is due any day now and I won't be able to go help the kids transition into a household with two children in it. Maybe God figures it's time they lean more on each other than on us. Maybe He figures it's time I stop and take a breather and focus in on taking care of myself for once. When I mentioned my concerns to the doctor, about not being able to "be there", Dear Hubby -who was there with me every step of the way the other day - spoke up and told the doctor, "You talk to her and tell her she needs to take care of herself! She's so stubborn!" Me? Stubborn?! Um....yes, if truth be told. Very stubborn. Well, the doctor listened to him and gave me a very gentle but firm "talking to". About being no use to anyone if I don't take the time to take care of me first for a change. For someone who's been taking care of everyone else since early girlhood, it's a hard thing to do. It's going to take some adjusting to. Truly, in the grand picture of it all, this is the best time for this to be happening because my daughter-in-law will be off on maternity leave for beyond my full recovery time and, Lord willing, I'll be able to take on the two little boys with renewed health and renewed energy. So. I am at peace with this.
I'm especially thankful this is happening now for Dylan's sake, too. He's been with me 10 hours a day thru the work week since he was 2 1/2 months old, outside of vacation time or occasional days off when he's been with his parents. Our bond is deep and very loving. When I came in from spending several hours at the doctor's office the other day, his little world was upside down. He grabbed his Pooh blanket and got the milk out of the refrigerator, letting us know he wanted a bottle. My daughter was going to give it to him but he grabbed hold of my leg and looked up at me so beseechingly, saying, "No! No! No!" He wanted the assurance that Grandma was ok. And, even tho all I wanted was to stretch out on our bed, I sat with him and held him while he had his bottle. When I went to bed afterwards, he managed to open our bedroom door and when he saw me sleeping, Dear Hubby said he ran over to the couch and put his head down on one of the cushions like he was praying for me. And when he turned his head to look at his Papa, his little lower lip was quivering and he began crying like his heart was breaking. Which, when hearing about it later, almost broke my heart. But Papa took him onto his lap and rocked him and they watched several episodes of "Super Why" quietly together.
I think I wrote about my thoughts being fractured in a thousand directions the other day. That was before my hemorrhage. My thoughts are fractured, yes. But as I prepared for another D & C procedure the other day, I said out loud to Dear Hubby, "Lord, just give me the grace to get thru this all." And a deep sense of peace settled in to my heart at that moment that is still here with me now as I'm writing. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. "I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."